I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I just cut my nipple shaving
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
