im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Damn victory sex feels great
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
