If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
