Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
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