is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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