Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
