i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Randomize