Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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