uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize