when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
