No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize