It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Randomize
