dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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