I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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