Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
