so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
