How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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