Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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