To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
