it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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