Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
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