There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I checked into jail on foursquare
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
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