I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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