I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Randomize