I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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