I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Your cock deserves a montage
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
