I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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