I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
