dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
