Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
