If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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