it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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