and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Everclear isn't food dammit
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
