if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
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