I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
