woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
