I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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