I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
