were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
