I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
