Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize