I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
