i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
whose ass print is on the piano?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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