You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
