i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I just want nice things and good sex
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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