i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Randomize
