I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
