I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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