when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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