I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
