fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Randomize
