So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize