So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Randomize
