I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
A bitchslap is in order.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
