I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
