Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
