I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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