you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
