so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
