clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
