I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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