Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
