i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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