i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
